i love having this new spirit about the christmas holiday - the past couple christmas' have been somewhat of a struggle for me personally.
the first year that nick and i were married, that christmas brought much sadness as we mourned the loss of nick's cousin john and the news of nick's mom's terminal cancer diagnosis. i remember standing in nick's aunt's house that christmas and feeling an immense about of sadness sadness that i knew would hang around my new family for months/years to come. most new married couples should be giddy about spending the magical holiday together married - walking up in the same bed and laughing about the cheesy, "first christmas" ornament that a family member gave you from a past bridal shower. instead we were doing, "last" christmas memories.
the following year we lost kathie to ovarian cancer in march and were feeling the sting of her death that year's christmas. i remember struggling to hold back tears as i sat in aunt laurie's living room listening to kathie's siblings, nieces and nephews and her own children sing christmas carols - and remembering that this was her favorite part of the beck family christmas. i went downstairs to the room that nick and i were staying in and just weeping, mourning the loss of my mother-in-law, the loss of joy and the anger towards myself for feeling selfish for wanting to be happy and ignoring the loss for a few moments of happiness.
the following christmas for us was a world-wind. hudson was four months old, we were very much a schedule family, and we had our nightly routines down so traveling to cincinnati and michigan with a baby was very stressful but the most memorable/joyful experience for me was when nick's aunts each took turns holding hudson and cradling him to sleep giving nick and i a break. my favorite was when his aunt mary who has down syndrome, took hudson and started to sing to him like he was her own. i remember both nick and i looking at each other with tears in our eyes as our hearts melted. as aunt mary gets older and we see less of her, i will always be reminded of her loving hudson and singing to him a lullaby that she quietly sang to him.
i think i was such a stress ball that i forgot to really take in what all christmas offers - new mom mistake.
finally, last year, magoo arrived a week before christmas. i was overwhelmed with having a newborn who didn't the "it's christmas, don't cry" memo, i was also mourning the loss of my time with hudson and nick. i was also sad to miss out on what i knew to be christmas...my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews and michigan. as the day progressed nick really did a great job in making sure the day was joyful.
so this year i want to make sure that i embrace the season. carry on the tradition of kathie best and her love for christmas carols sung together with family and not letting life's woes steal the joy that the lord has given me. thank you lord for sending your son to die for my sins so that i may spend eternal life with you. i've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart.
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